i just need a reason to stay.
ive been so down in the dumps lately. to the point where i had to start hurting myself again. i cant take the stress of living in this house, in this world. ive poured my eyes out multiple times already today. yes i have my good moments, but it doesnt matter when my bad ones take over everything else.
i cant continue living in the shadow, but there is no other choice. im sick of it.
ive recently started to lose weight, it would be great to say im doing it for me, but im not. im doing it for my dad. all i have ever wanted in life was his approval. i dont understand why i want it so much because i cant honestly look at him anymore without wanting to tell him how horrible he is and how much he makes me want to end my life.
i started to cut out all junk food from my diet and my parents kept telling me, why dont i eat this, or that. why am i starving myself? i just tell them im not hungry. then recently i decided to have a cookie and my dad had the fucking nerve to tell me “what happened to your diet?” That little thing ticked me off. he doesnt understand how hard im trying to better myself for him. how i want him to accept me.
it will never work because my dad is a stubborn asshole. he never wants to admit to his wrong doing.
i cant go to them and tell them any of this because theyre think its a phase and how ill get over it. they dont know what im really going through.
i thought my life was going good, but then it went downhill so fast. i dont want to do anything i just want to rot. i cant anymore. i cant do this.